Nervous in my room, and I'm talkin' on the phone And I'm tryin to get tickets to the new Jed show And the woman there is nice, but she doesn't understand That I just have to see him, I'm his number one fan At least that's what my card says, that I made for me I'm the Jed Davis Fan Club, and I want him to see That I hang on all his music and every word he said And I know that I want to be like Jed. He makes all his music from his Saratoga Pad And he broke all the rules in the grunge rock fad I broke into his High School where he must've gotten laid And it was worth it in my mind for the bail I paid Just to see the cradle of the prodigal son Whom everybody loved and must have loved everyone He had to be so popular as all the kids said They wanted to be like their best friend Jed. Oh, I'd sell my soul if I could be like Jed He is all the voices in my head Entranced by what his music says to me Let's all hail the King of Albany I used to follow him around for days And that restraining order's just a joke he plays I send him gifts and cards and pants and flowers in the mail I threw a bunch of jelly beans and ended up in jail So I went to see his girlfriend and I painted on her door That I knew him first and I love him more And I knew as I spent Christmas on a prison cell bed That Everybody Wants to be Like Jed. He's my Buddha, He's Confucius Blown by Krishna - spouting genius forms of hard to see poetry, He cut his teeth on Tolstoy for me. I'm nervous in my room and the phone's still in my hand And this bitch better give a fucking ticket to this fan 'cause Damn this hold music's making fruit loops out of me With a simple chord progression and a stupid melody It's offensive just to hear them in the presence of the King They can't play guitar and this guy can barely sing They should kneel before my god and, as they bow their head, say: "Everybody Wants to be Like Jed."

You've got seven little tumors on your ribcage You've got a roommate who can't stand you 'cause you felt up his ex. There's a girl who screwed you over eighteen months ago And the only thing you want is her back. You've got an open pack of cigarettes you can't touch You've got best friends who you can't even talk to anymore. There's a girl who screwed around with all your best friends, too And the only thing you want is her back. But from pain comes inspiration And the portrait of Shakespeare on the wall stares in awe of you. You've got a roommate who can use you to get back at his ex You've got best friends who forgive you when they need something. You've got seven little tumors and they're all benign So it's okay to start smoking again. Too bad you're boring as shit now And breasts from eighteen months ago obscure the page in front of you The blank white page in front of you The empty blank that lies Right in front of you.

In a suit at a desk in a daze at the end of an hour and a half and another twenty minutes of the screen orange screen on the screen watch it flicker spelling words fancy words what is fancy what are words where am I? I am out of order Sorry for the inconvenience Be back soon Thank God you're too cheap to replace me I get up and it's dark I get home and it's even darker night is to morning is to morning is tonight I go to bed there's a buzzing by the bed and it gets me out of bed and it's dark and it's dark when I get home where am I? I am out of order Sorry for the inconvenience Be back soon Thank God you're too cheap to replace me Once I had friends once I had fun once I had life once I had hope once I had hands once I had love once I had mind once I had time once I had me Now I have a job.

The blank in the black In the hollows of her eyes Betrays none of the pain That she claims screams inside And the white of her skin Shakes off gene memory She's reborn as the child Of some hair dye and Brandon Lee. Boo. Go on then Take your pills again Darwin said You should just drop dead. The weak get eaten by the strong And Anne Rice fears there's nothing wrong With you a little evolution Wouldn't fix Mope some more beside the fire Wish that you were a vampire But you'll never be a vampire 'Cause they don't exist. Sorry. Go on then Slit your wrists again Darwin said You should just drop dead. Little goth, now don't be blue Species change, and so will you Soon enough you'll find Black doesn't go with everything.

Warm coat pocket in the cold uptown And I dig deep down But my cigarettes are in The little red box on a dresser in my room As I spit into the gloom Of a long afternoon And this realization sparks a heart palpitation With increased perspiration Man, I hope it's not the big one Sweating in the cold, and I though I was stronger But I can't go on much longer And I really need a cigarette I really need a cigarette I'm jonesing. I've got people to see I've got battles to fight I haven't had a cigarette Since 10 last night If I don't get one soon - this afternoon I'll never get through it It's a good way to quit But a bad day to do it. Warm coat pocket in the cold uptown And I dig deep down But my cigarettes are in The little red box on a dresser in my room As I spit into the gloom Of a long afternoon And this realization sparks a heart palpitation With increased perspiration Man, I hope it's not the big one You're all a bunch of faggots And you're all a bunch of sheep And you're all a load of shit And I really need a cigarette I really need a cigarette I'm jonesing. I've got people to see I've got battles to fight I haven't had a cigarette Since 10 last night If I don't get one soon - this afternoon I'll never get through it It's a good way to quit But a bad day to do it.

You keep your head down And slip behind things A silhouette with substance A black hole tugging at me And not even my gaze can escape your gravity. You move in riddles In opposite directions You speak in silences And look at everything but me I'm a crack in the sidewalk that you have to step around. Step on me Oh what I would give just to be the ground you walk on Step on me I'm a break in the monotonous concrete gray And if you just avoid me, I'm stepped on anyway. I form ontologies What's it like to be you? I form cosmologies What's it like to be with you? And I look at you and I know you're everything I think you are. You keep your head down And slip behind things A silhouette with substance A black hole tugging at me And not even my gaze can escape your gravity. Step on me Oh what I would give just to be the ground you walk on Step on me I'm a break in the monotonous concrete gray And if you just avoid me, I'm stepped on anyway.

There's a great big hole in the sky above the North Pole Opened by a bullet that was fired from the Grassy Knoll Ripped out wide by the spray of the brain And the blood and the bone that was something Cobain And the hole in the sky is a hole into Hell D.B. Cooper jumped in and he fell and he fell Now he rots in the silt 23 fathoms down With a hundred unsinkable ships. Swing it back and forth Until we find magnetic north Hollow Earth lit up by a tiny sun The sun spins around at night - look up, I can prove it now - Those are not stars, those are Chinese lights There's a great big hole in the sky above the North Pole Opened by a bullet that was fired from the Grassy Knoll Like a mirror image of a crack in the equator Full of arsenic, Hawaiian Punch and sewer alligators And the hollow Earth is a ball of fire tonight And the future is bright in this nuclear light It shines like the Hope Diamond. And the hollow Earth overflows with lemon drops And we're jumping like bugs in a microwave Dancing and twitching and why? Because we're supposed to. Swing it back and forth Until we find magnetic north

He gazes at her and makes her offers Opens up his soul and pants and coffers Tries to stain her teflon glance He brags and winks and thinks he has a chance She's so thirsty All she really wants is a Coke. He wants her to be his Eden Boy, her ego digs the feeding He thinks violins and flowers Passion, lust and glowing summer hours. She's so tired All she really wants is some sleep. Who will think of him at twilight? Who will miss him when he's gone? Who will think of him at twilight? Who will miss him when he's gone? She's so bored and All she really wants is to watch T.V. She's so bored and All she really wants is someone else. She's so thirsty All she really wants is a Coke. Who will think of him at twilight? Who will miss him when he's gone?

In a coffee shop somewhere under Lark Street I am sitting waiting, waiting for the next thing Will she be a cool girl or another dumb idea? I don't know, but when she comes, I'll be waiting right here. And there are a million better places for both of us to be - Tell me, when you're ready for the world, Would you mind being seen with me? Do you like it here, working under Lark Street? Everyone's a hipster, everyone's a rock star Everyone's a mover, everyone's a shaker Everyone is everyone is everyone is everyone is... And there are a million better places for both of us to be - Tell me, when you're ready for the world, Would you mind being seen with me? In a coffee shop somewhere under Lark Street I am sitting waiting, waiting for the next thing Will she be a cool girl or another dumb idea? I don't know, but when she comes, I'll be waiting right here.

There's a trap and I know it, and I'm really glad to know it And there's nothing in the minotaur but tape and string But in the middle is the end, and I've caught the end lit And when I touch the beast, he'll eat the ring the lucky ring I don't know where to take it, but I'm really glad to take it And remember, if you start to rot then breathe real deep So I started the maze, started this craze, sucked the tit, ruined my cant, started this rant Listen, run, then leap. I don't know why you love me, why you try to trite to do me But there's nothing in the minotaur but tape and string And I watch as you succeed, and my fingers touch to see And I really want to be you as you open up and sing There's a moral to my story and a method to my mink And I know as you crow and my roe begins to glow That I died so long ago that I'm starting to stink Don't dismiss me, redress me, tie me up with a bow 'Cause I still breathe the same genius as you. I'm the same genius as you I'm the same genius as you, motherfucker I'm the same genius as you. Just remember, don't dismember all the care I take This isn't whimsy or flimsy or my lucky ring Now it seems I don't exist, I eat a funny cake But there's nothing in the minotaur but tape and string I could kill you in a second, don't ask me when I will Just remember, don't dismember all the care I take You used to understand me by adding to the mill Now it seems I don't exist, and I eat a funny cake There's nothing to this legend, where were you when it began? Now every girl I sleep with goes with so and so and so The minotaur eats the boy and vomits out the man But there's nothing in the minotaur but tape - watch out below Don't close your eyes The same genius as you I'm the same genius as you I'm the same genius as you, motherfucker I'm the same genius as you Minotaurs eat boys and spit out men.

I'm just a flimsy cardboard cutout Of the shadow of the shade Of the vapor that I used to be I need to get beeped tonight So put on your business face And fax yourself on over to me What I'm trying to say Just not in as many words or bleeps or Braille or buzzing bells or ringers dinging off the hook or I could ask you what you think of the clouds and the moon shining though it's afternoon blah blah and have you got it yet? (I can't say it...have you got it...have you got it yet?) (Every time I open my mouth, it seems like a weather report comes out) Just like Monets, all haze Greens and reds, they say Say it with flowers - oh, how I Would love to send them all Just wait for a dial tone Smooth operator standing by What I'm trying to say Just not in as many words or bleeps or Braille or buzzing bells or ringers dinging off the hook or I could ask you what you think of the clouds and the moon shining though it's afternoon blah blah and have you got it yet? (I can't say it...have you got it...have you got it yet?) (Every time I open my mouth, it seems like a weather report comes out) Have you got it yet?

One key watches and one key hears One key blinds you, one pops your ears One key searches and one pulls strings Strike the right key and touch all things Phreak freely Save us, please. One key searches and one pulls strings Strike the right key and touch all things All things I will not pay I will not be caught I will laugh forever In a back room In the ashes of the tangible I control the credit cards and I create the silverboxes I know all the frequencies And secret 1-800 numbers I will not pay I will not be caught I will dial A-B-C-D Crank call the president I will not pay I will not be caught I will laugh forever I will live forever I will live forever ever There is something More powerful than anything And I have it.

Worms eat shit and they never complain All they ever ask for is a little bit of rain Just a shower on their bodies, so squishy and round To rinse off all the daylight and to soften the ground. Little miss sunshine, do you hate the rain? Tell me, what am I supposed to do? Worms need water on their clammy skin And I'm nothing but a worm to you. Would you like to cut my head off? Would you like to see me squirm? Would you like to see me shrivel in the sun? Well, I'm standing in the shower on a chilly afternoon As I run out of hot water and my hands begin to prune... A shower is a potent and mysterious thing For no apparent reason it can move you to sing When I'm standing in the shower I'm completely alone I am securely protected from the door and the phone. But somehow the curtain doesn't keep out the sun A little light always gets in And sooner or later I will have to step out And another crappy day will begin. Would you like to cut my head off? Would you like to see me squirm? Would you like to see me shrivel in the sun? Well, I'm standing in the shower on a chilly afternoon As I run out of hot water and my hands begin to prune... I thought I had some privacy, I guess I was wrong I thought I was alone, I should have known all along You shine around the blackest cloud and slip through every crack I try to shut you out, but you worm your way back Little miss sunshine, do you hate the rain? Tell me, what am I supposed to do? Worms need water on their clammy skin And I'm nothing but a worm to you. Would you like to cut my head off? Would you like to see me squirm? Would you like to see me shrivel in the sun? I could linger in the water, I could scrub and scrub all day But I won't get any cleaner, and it won't wash you away.

You belong On the far side of the mountains In the gold On the line of the horizon You belong In a place where no one goes. Where no one goes You belong In an unfinished painting Wrapped in plastic Locked in a closet You belong In a place where no one goes. Where no one goes Drawing you in constellations Scorched in the dirt of a cornfield Pushing the phone into its cradle again Again and again And I'll never win But neither will you. Every look a domino and every sigh in stereo and Maybes dress as hidden yesses every time you don't say no and Anything's obsession when you can't quit cold and Everything is muzak when your life's on hold now I Stare at the ceiling and try to tune in To echoes of something that won't come again This is where you belong: Sentenced to one night as me You belong On the floor in the corner Reading this Off an old sheet of paper You belong In a place where no one goes. Where no one goes Writing our names in the window steam Measuring time in creamers and coffee rings Slamming the door, getting on with our lives again Again and again And I'll never win But neither will you.

You like comic books I like comic books I like Mr. Bungle You like Mr. Bungle Comic books and Mr. Bungle On a Sunday afternoon You like Kurver Kreme I like Kurver Kreme I like mini golf You like mini golf Kurver Kreme and mini golf Save us both from a Monday night But nobody said that life was fair And two left shoes can never ever oh no. You are all alone I am all alone I'm looking for someone You're looking for someone We are both looking for the same someone And that someone is you Nobody said that life was fair And two left shoes can never be (We wait for a fable For the start of a story That we heard long ago To good not to come true) Nobody said that life was fair And two left shoes can never be a pair.

I can see us in the setting sun The sidewalks here go on and on And now I walk them all alone Looking for I don't know Every pool of light I stumble through Makes my insides burn with deja vu But no streetlight shines bright as you I'm stepping on my shadow. We walked until this place was home The sidewalks here go on and on We'd float above them hand in hand and Ignore the world below But all I touch comes crashing down Now I miss you as much as I hate this town But I stop my feet from touching ground By stepping on my shadow. Where are you? Where are you tonight? Where are you tonight? Every car that passes sighs this song And the sidewalks here go on and on I could walk till I forget the words But the melody will never go I'm midnight cold and asphalt black I'm empty as a sidewalk crack And I keep you always at my back I'm stepping on my shadow.

Happy black steamroller Happy black steamroller Happy black steamroller Crushed by the happy black steamroller

There will come a time When I will sing this song for the last time I had good things to say So I called my friends and no one was home And there will come a time When I'll have good things to say for the last time I hope that time is not this time But what if it is? I scream in mute euphoria I shine in blind euphoria I wave to you and go away I run in dark paralysis There will come a time When I will think of you for the last time I had some things to say So I called my friends and no one was home And there will come a time When I will think of you for the last time I know that time is not this time But God, I wish it was. I scream in mute euphoria I shine in blind euphoria I wave to you and go away I run in dark paralysis This shit shouldn't happen by telephone And it shouldn't happen when you're in your house alone It was a one minute to midnight Cuban missile crisis Man, I played it wrong But you had to call me up and call me on it Now you're finally in a song Just an inch from my hand, on the table sits A little telephone receiver, see how it fits Into its cradle on the table, but it lifts out so easily I could pick it up and dial it And fix everything that's wrong with me I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't All the lights are off, but I know it's there It's nasty, black and shiny, greasy, flat and square Just an inch from my fingers, stretching, lonely fingers Reaching down and down With a click, a tone, a ring, a ring, a click, I could be Right back in your town But this shit shouldn't happen by telephone And it shouldn't happen when you're in your house alone It was a one minute to midnight Cuban missile crisis Man, I played it wrong But you had to call me up and call me on it Now you're finally in a song I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't There will come a time When I will sing this song for the last time I had something to say So I called you up, but no one was home And there will come a time When I will call you up for the last time I wish that time was not this time But man, I think it was. I scream in mute euphoria I shine in blind euphoria I wave to you and go away I run in dark paralysis I wave to you and go away I wave to you and go away I wave to you and go away I wave to you and go away.

You are my friend in the mix You are my friend to the max You have a friend in me I like you a lot like instant whip Jed Davis Jed Davis Jed Davis Jed Davis You have a friend in Jesus' name You have a friend in Jesus Christ You have a friend in the Holy Ghost You have a friend in God's [indecipherable] Jed Davis Jed Davis Jed Davis Jed Davis You are my friend to the end You are my friend to eternity as I speak You are my best buddy for years to come You are my best friend for the next 64 years. Jed Davis Jed Davis Jed Davis Jed Davis Rock over London, rock on Chicago Kinko's: express yourself!

Listen to this: The words that ruined every Saturday night For eight long years (Eight long years) You think he'd figure out after eight fucking years The three fucking words that we don't want to hear Somebody volunteer to drive tonight Volunteer your house tonight Keep us off the streets and away from The stupid fucking car with the stupid fucking plates Man, he still can't figure out why he don't get any dates I hope he loses his license and wrecks that car Ah, who am I kidding? He'd probably just drive anyway. Somebody grow some balls and turn it off Somebody make him turn it off Tell him we're not really listening I know the trick, the trick, I know the trick is Keep him too happy and busy to think Oh yeah, we're gonna have to find his ass a little skater betty 'Cause he writes more songs when he's not getting any Somebody get him laid so he shuts up I'd bribe my sister to shut him up Take his motivation so he won't need The words that ruined every Saturday night For eight long years (Eight long years) Eight years of suffering under one lame rule: The driver is always in charge of tunes (Bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit) Somebody break his legs so he can't drive Break his hands so he can't write Break his face so he can't say: "Listen to this, listen to this It's your new favorite song, bitch, it's rock and roll bliss." And we never ever ever ever ever want to hear Another Jed Davis song again.